In The Succulent Belly Of The Beast

Not My Office, But A Reasonable Comp

First, the good news. For the past three weeks, and hopefully for a long time to come, I've been working a pretty fascinating contract job for a pretty Fascinating Employer.

They've brought me in for specific expertise that others do not have, and so far, it's been going really well. I'm a lot happier in this role than most of the gigs I've held in my life, my manager is incredibly nice and supportive, and the corporate culture is *astonishingly* better than some of the experiences that I've had.

Now, the bad. I can't say very much about it, really. I don't work for the Fascinating Employer; I work for a contracting company that sends people to the Fascinating Employer. Which means that while you get many of the bells, whistles and trappings involved, you don't *really* have the same status, and if you are wired like me, it also makes you *very* aware of how much you want to keep that status or better moving forward.

I also can't really get into any of the details of the Fascinating Employer's ample and over the top perks. So the moments that make my 9 to 5 feel more like Wonkaland, rather than just another office... well, the details are going to be lacking, because they have to be.

But I can, of course, hint.

I didn't think that the perks were this going to be that much of a deal, folks. I'm a grown up. I've worked at any number of start ups with any number of Costco-infused snack rooms, with the inevitable HR-driven cupcake and donut fetish, with the Oooh So Naughty cheap thrill of beer in the fridge for Friday Wackiness. If you've been in offices with ping pong and foosball tables and after-hour Work Drinks and off-sites at nice restaurants, it starts to feel like every other place.

All of that stuff becomes table stakes with a disturbing quickness, and the relative lack of variety and Hey, I Can Go To Costco And Get My Own Grub means that you still see people stomping off to Starbucks or into town because, well, food.

And then there's what the Fascinating Employer does, and... yeah.

I used to think I had personal discipline, folks. Thankfully, the Fascinating Employer is staffed head to toe with young and in shape people (many of them who avail themselves of the in-office workout equipment), all of whom subtly remind you that you are not the weight or age or height or skin quality that you want to be, so maybe mix in some (impeccable and astonishing) salad with your truffle-infused triple chocolate salted caramel and garnished with real unicorn shavings brownie. (Not a real thing, but you get the point.)

So just have some fruit, right? That's good for you and they can't do that better than everyone else and... oh dear God, the fresh pears. How do they get bananas that are just always perfectly ripe and massive? Fine, fine, I'll just have some coffee... that's freshly ground from beans that are just better than the beans the rest of the world uses, and I'm not even a coffee snob. But this place is going to turn me into one.

Oh, and there are web sites that list all of your menu options, because why wouldn't there be? If there's duck today at one of the ridiculous number of dining options, you're going to want to know about the duck, right? (It was so good. And I'm not a duck guy, either.)

And if you don't want to bring your laptop, there are loaners, and if you don't want to work at your desk, hey presto, just go wander and take any number of comfy chairs with fabulous views or secluded little corners if that's what helps you concentrate better.

And all of this means that you never, ever leave the building, because why would you want to? (Which is, of course, the point.)

It's the first time I've ever worked for anything this massive, or anything this pampered.

And it's making me wonder why I didn't do everything in my power to get into a place like this decades ago, honestly...

Start Up Goldilocks

Unicorns: A Cautionary Tale

Recently, I was brought in to consult a venture capital fund as they interviewed an acquisition target. (Fun project! Help total strangers decide to avoid or create a massive wealth event for other total strangers, all while never leaving your home. I've had worse times, honestly.)

This mostly consisted of spending time in remote meetings, asking questions about the offering when pertinent, and taking a lot of notes to share with the VC later.

It was an interesting project, and the agency that hired me was pleased with my work... but that's not the point of the story. (Also, I'm not going to disclose the outcome of the decision, because confidentiality and the such.)

 Without getting into the details of what was discussed and decided, what the most striking point to me about the entire experience was how similar the prognosis for the target company was to other companies that I've known.

To wit: you can try to change the world and create amazing value for your clients with something new and exciting and game-changing...

But if what you are doing is really all that and a bag of chips, and the market shows it with explosive growth and revenue...

Well, why wouldn't a whale (i.e., Google, Amazon, Adobe, or maybe their Chinese competitors) just swim on in, buy your company or similar tech, and just be done with the category?

And if that has not happened... well, is your category or technology really all that, and if the answer is no, then why should the VC be around to put more cash into something that isn't going to change the world and cash out?

It all puts you in a Goldilocks moment -- markets that are neither too big nor too small, but *just* right -- and, well, having your start up win is hard enough without adding extra hoops to jump through.

I know, I know -- I'm missing the point of Start Up, which is when your stock option lottery tickets cash out and you get enough moolah to afford real estate in any market, all while setting yourself up to either continue working with the whale (unlikely) or buy yourself a lot of runway to take off with another plane.

But on some level, well, having a steady gig is its own reward, and companies that keep their people tend to do things like keep communities together. Kind of useful things, those.

So, maybe I'm just old fashioned here... but how about we just have companies that turn a profit as soon as humanly possible, and reduce their need for outside capital in the first place?

Pitch Drunk

In my free-lance and consulting life, I get to hear and deliver more sales and marketing pitches in a year than most people see in a lifetime. I'm also enough of an "In The Weeds" nerd to never, ever consider the following game. Nope, not ever.