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| Population: You |
5) Our new functionality is amazing, and nobody's happy
Yes, this was inspired by the great Louis CK. But it happened before this routine.
Big presentation, major client. Client is unhappy for all kinds of reasons, not many of them related to things I'm personally responsible for, but hey, that's the gig. If we don't make them happy, they might walk away to another company, and that would be really bad, as they are one of our whales.
I get to my show-stopping part of the presentation, the new functionality that makes sense on every tactical sales level, the new wrinkle that hasn't failed in any test cell. It's going to be great for them. I'm very enthused to bring it to them. It's not going to alter their branding, lessen their profit margins, or cost them anything more. I am delivering them the closest thing to a panacea that I've ever had the good fortune to present, in a 20-year career of searching for moments just like this one.
Silence... and then the best/worst client line ever. "Why weren't we told about this before?"
Um, maybe because we wanted to try it with a client or three that wasn't the hardest people in the world to deal with? Maybe because you had created a climate of fear and intimidation with your constant negativity, so much so that creatives only ever just executed what you ordered them to do? Maybe because you never let us test anything before, so we didn't think to come running to you, with arms open, so we could get punched in the face?
I'm still aghast about this, on some level. Justifiably so, I think.
4) Font Phun
Tiny little eyestrain font. No consumer has ever, to this day, read anything in this area, because it's a Web banner and honest and for true, those don't get looked at as if they were Picassos on the walls of the Louvre, under magnifying glasses. Same template every time, the only thing that ever changes is the headline offer, never the same offer twice, because testing 5% increments of your discount off percentage is True Testing Genius. And every time, every revision, the same question: Are you sure that's Our Font? Did you double check it? Did you triple check it? It's very, very important that it's in Our Font!
Um, no, it's not. The first 20+ times we got that instruction didn't take. We didn't just leave that font in as a locked down design element; once out of every six times, we changed one character in that area to a nearly identical font, and laughed like naughty, naughty school children, because we had so gotten over on you, Agency From Hell. It was the only reason we had a business in the first place, was so that we could nefariously change your fonts. Muhahaha! Such delicious evil we perpetrated, all at the expense of your brand police's sanity.
Um, well, no, we just left the font the same it always was. Like Sane People. And unlike the Font Phun Agency...
3) Click Here to Click Here
I have an issue with Click Here. To me, Click Here is shorthand for This Copy Writer Has No Ideas And Should Sell Shoes Instead. It's not as short as Go or a simple radio (>) button. It turns your design-forward ghost button into retro-dumb. It doesn't denote a benefit, like Learn More, or a command, like Save, Shop, or even Browse. It's longer than the nearly as odious Submit, and there's a half dozen other things wrong with it, really. I'm not a fan. No one should be.
So when you find yourself on the phone with a client having to not just defend the idea that other language should be used? Then hear those options described in terms that just make you go "Whuuuttttt"?
Well, that's a special client moment. One that makes my special client list! Next...
2) Give Me Your Opinion, So Long As It Mirrors Mine
This one was very, very special indeed. I'm working for one company in an ancilliary consumer category, having recently worked for another that served the same audience. I find myself, some time later, in the presence of high management for the new company... who want my opinion on the terms of a deal that they are going to offer to the management of my old employer. They want a scouting report. Of people that I worked with, every day, for years. Good idea!
The deal was, to be kind, laughable, even as a first round, low-ball offer. To make this offer, especially to the right/wrong person at my old company, would have been the end of all negotiations, probably for years; they took things like this personally, especially on points that seemed to lack a certain level of respect.
Tip-toeing around the landmine as best as I can, I offer up my best assessment of the situation -- that this was not a deal that would be received well. Perhaps a restructuring, or smaller v1, would be in order.
I'm told that I'm wrong, and that they will take the deal as is. Well, OK then. I think, but do not say, why did you want my opinion in the first place? I try to resolve the conversation by speaking to the management's persuasion skills, give the name and contact info of the person that would be best, and know that I'll be moving on soon. And was! Happily!
1) We Hate Your Winning Ad So Very, Very Much
Unknown client then, famous client now. Back in the bad old days, their ad was tanking for my company's distribution, and they gave my team and I a shot at making a new ad. We did. Happy day -- it won! By a lot, and kept on winning for about 18 months after that, or an absolute eternity in online. And survived a half dozen client provided tests, none of which used any of the possible learnings from our winning ad, all while telling us how much they hate, hate, hated our art. (Well, sure. After all, who doesn't hate money?)
Have any client burn stories to share? Please do!
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One of my best moments comes when you like or share this column, connect with me on LinkedIn, email me at davidlmountain at gmail dot com, or visit my agency's site. We offer copywriting, direction and strategy, along with design, illustration, photography, coding and hosting. The RFPs are always free. Hope to hear from you soon.
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