A Message I Never Expected

 At one of my full-time gigs, I had issues with a co-worker. They presented as terse at best and unpleasant at worst (their words, not mine -- more on that later), and we butted heads often. 

I also had to collaborate with them on a routine basis in a small team, so there was no getting around it. I made the best of what I could, added value where possible, and kept telling myself the only thing you can tell yourself -- that it is not your fault or problem, and that problems like this are not eternal.

What I also told myself was that management at the gig was not capable or willing to fix the issue, and that it was not something I could solve myself. So just live with it. They were paying me, after all.

My co-worker and I had some ups and downs. Mostly downs. When the gig ended with a loss of funding and waves of people taking their stuff to their cars in boxes (start ups are like that sometimes), I took the troublesome co-worker off my first party LinkedIn list and thought, well, that’s a small benefit from an unfortunate ending.

I did not have to associate with them anymore. If I thought about them, I could and should stop. And when I did think of them, it was not with an abundance of kindness. They share a name with a local road, so I have thought of them more often than I wanted to.

A week ago, I was running an errand for a colleague and waiting for them to come back to the car. LinkedIn pops up with a message – and it’s from the old co-worker. They had moved on to a healthier work environment, and the change in settings had led them to do some soul-searching and reach out to me over the past difficulties. It was not an over-the-top apology, but it really did not have to be.

They did not have to do this. All of that water was under the bridge many years ago. We are not likely to meet again, nor work at the same company. I do not intend to use them as a reference, nor they with me. It was just something that was eating at them, so they had the courage to reach out and own the behavior. When they did, I realized it was eating at me, too.

I can not tell you how much better this email has made the last week.

When you work in a place with poor management, it really can seep in and do real damage to your confidence and performance -- and to your colleagues. Demeaning, undermining, quibbling and belittling is contagious. It can also often create work that is in the “turtle” position, and that is not work you are going to be proud of later. Overcoming the feelings of dread at work, or proactively pulling your punches because you are just walking on eggshells, is no way to work or live.

Neither is having omniscience as to why someone is not getting along with you, or that the situation will never go to a better place later.

You have to have hope. 

Thanks to my new friend’s courage and conscience, I can now look at any coworker, past, present or future, and think it might be just like this situation later.

What a gift, really!