My Five Worst Clients

Population: You

Because, well, nothing has the comic punch of another person's misfortune, and each was special in its very own way. Names not used because of a well-earned fear of Rhymes With Beagle, and because naming them might cause them to reappear in my life, and life is too short for that. (Currently serving none of these fine folks. Life is Good.) On to the pain!

5) Our new functionality is amazing, and nobody's happy

Yes, this was inspired by the great Louis CK. But it happened before this routine.

Big presentation, major client. Client is unhappy for all kinds of reasons, not many of them related to things I'm personally responsible for, but hey, that's the gig. If we don't make them happy, they might walk away to another company, and that would be really bad, as they are one of our whales.

I get to my show-stopping part of the presentation, the new functionality that makes sense on every tactical sales level, the new wrinkle that hasn't failed in any test cell. It's going to be great for them. I'm very enthused to bring it to them. It's not going to alter their branding, lessen their profit margins, or cost them anything more. I am delivering them the closest thing to a panacea that I've ever had the good fortune to present, in a 20-year career of searching for moments just like this one.

Silence... and then the best/worst client line ever. "Why weren't we told about this before?"

Um, maybe because we wanted to try it with a client or three that wasn't the hardest people in the world to deal with? Maybe because you had created a climate of fear and intimidation with your constant negativity, so much so that creatives only ever just executed what you ordered them to do? Maybe because you never let us test anything before, so we didn't think to come running to you, with arms open, so we could get punched in the face?

I'm still aghast about this, on some level. Justifiably so, I think.

4) Font Phun

Tiny little eyestrain font. No consumer has ever, to this day, read anything in this area, because it's a Web banner and honest and for true, those don't get looked at as if they were Picassos on the walls of the Louvre, under magnifying glasses. Same template every time, the only thing that ever changes is the headline offer, never the same offer twice, because testing 5% increments of your discount off percentage is True Testing Genius. And every time, every revision, the same question: Are you sure that's Our Font? Did you double check it? Did you triple check it? It's very, very important that it's in Our Font!

Um, no, it's not. The first 20+ times we got that instruction didn't take. We didn't just leave that font in as a locked down design element; once out of every six times, we changed one character in that area to a nearly identical font, and laughed like naughty, naughty school children, because we had so gotten over on you, Agency From Hell. It was the only reason we had a business in the first place, was so that we could nefariously change your fonts. Muhahaha! Such delicious evil we perpetrated, all at the expense of your brand police's sanity.

Um, well, no, we just left the font the same it always was. Like Sane People. And unlike the Font Phun Agency...

3) Click Here to Click Here

I have an issue with Click Here. To me, Click Here is shorthand for This Copy Writer Has No Ideas And Should Sell Shoes Instead. It's not as short as Go or a simple radio (>) button. It turns your design-forward ghost button into retro-dumb. It doesn't denote a benefit, like Learn More, or a command, like Save, Shop, or even Browse. It's longer than the nearly as odious Submit, and there's a half dozen other things wrong with it, really. I'm not a fan. No one should be.

So when you find yourself on the phone with a client having to not just defend the idea that other language should be used? Then hear those options described in terms that just make you go "Whuuuttttt"?

Well, that's a special client moment. One that makes my special client list! Next...

2) Give Me Your Opinion, So Long As It Mirrors Mine

This one was very, very special indeed. I'm working for one company in an ancilliary consumer category, having recently worked for another that served the same audience. I find myself, some time later, in the presence of high management for the new company... who want my opinion on the terms of a deal that they are going to offer to the management of my old employer. They want a scouting report. Of people that I worked with, every day, for years. Good idea!

The deal was, to be kind, laughable, even as a first round, low-ball offer. To make this offer, especially to the right/wrong person at my old company, would have been the end of all negotiations, probably for years; they took things like this personally, especially on points that seemed to lack a certain level of respect.

Tip-toeing around the landmine as best as I can, I offer up my best assessment of the situation -- that this was not a deal that would be received well. Perhaps a restructuring, or smaller v1, would be in order.

I'm told that I'm wrong, and that they will take the deal as is. Well, OK then. I think, but do not say, why did you want my opinion in the first place? I try to resolve the conversation by speaking to the management's persuasion skills, give the name and contact info of the person that would be best, and know that I'll be moving on soon. And was! Happily!

1) We Hate Your Winning Ad So Very, Very Much

Unknown client then, famous client now. Back in the bad old days, their ad was tanking for my company's distribution, and they gave my team and I a shot at making a new ad. We did. Happy day -- it won! By a lot, and kept on winning for about 18 months after that, or an absolute eternity in online. And survived a half dozen client provided tests, none of which used any of the possible learnings from our winning ad, all while telling us how much they hate, hate, hated our art. (Well, sure. After all, who doesn't hate money?)

Have any client burn stories to share? Please do!

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One of my best moments comes when you like or share this column, connect with me on LinkedIn, email me at davidlmountain at gmail dot com, or visit my agency's site. We offer copywriting, direction and strategy, along with design, illustration, photography, coding and hosting. The RFPs are always free. Hope to hear from you soon.

Tales of Marketing Horror: Silo Town

Got Your Number

You're nobody in this town
You're nobody in this crowd
You're nobody till everybody in this town
thinks you're poison,
Got your number, knows it must be avoided
You're nobody till everybody in this town
thinks you're a bastard

- Elvis Costello, "This Town"

Part of a continuing series of moments from my career, in which great breakthroughs came from great setbacks. The point, as always, is to work away from fear, and learn from every mistake. Besides, they make for better stories.

Stay in the game long enough, especially in shaky start-ups, and not every move will be on the rise. Sometimes, you have to go lateral to go up later, and that was the circumstance some number of gigs ago, when I found myself at a new position, with new responsibilities, in an area of marketing and advertising that I had not worked in before. Luckily, my predecessor had not impressed with work ethic (11 to 4 was the scuttlebutt) or politics (screaming fits are not exactly unique in creative, but your work had better be absolutely aces to make up for it, and, well, it wasn't). So I felt fairly confident that I would make up for a shortfall of experience with my motor, because, well, I have a motor.

On my first day at the new gig, I was introduced to someone who was, I was told, very enthused to have me on board, even though we did not work in the same department, and had not been on the list to interview me in the hiring process. (Feel free to set the Alert status to Yellow right about now.) After a half hour of very excited conversation in a hallway while I was between meetings, my new manager quickly called me in to their office, motioned to shut the door, and told me, point blank in under a minute with no preamble or pleasantries, that the co-worker in question was a snake and a menace and would waste my time every single day, if I gave them the opportunity. Also, that part of my performance evaluation would involve the efficient use of my time.

Welcome, in other words, to Silo Town, with a population of one more than yesterday.

Stepping away from the land mine to the best of my ability, I assured my manager that I got the message, and that I appreciated the candor. I let them vent for a bit more about the co-worker, and closed with an assurance that all of my time was going to be taken up with overhauling the position in the fashion we had discussed in the interview process.

In the subsequent weeks, I was polite but crisp with the co-worker, who eventually got the gist that I was aligned strongly to my manager, and hence, something of a lost cause to what they were trying to accomplish. Over the next few months, I learned enough about the company to understand the rift, and to learn that the chasm was not going to be something I could overcome. I kept to my department, and eventually, both my manager and the co-worker left the company, and I picked up a dramatically better manager.

Lessons learned?

1) No matter what your powers are as a change agent, there are limits. The position in question was one of the greatest successes in my career. I built a team that I still work with to this day, learned an incredible amount of tactics and tricks in an entirely new realm of marketing and advertising, and achieved terrific performance metrics. But silos are silos for reasons, and unless you have hire and fire power, you might have to work around the problem, rather than correct it.

2) Silos are absolute red flags for leadership. In the case of this start-up, what needed to happen was a clearing of the air by the CEO, and if that didn't create change, a personnel decision. Instead, the situation was allowed to fester and resolve on its own, which created a significant amount of distraction, especially for junior personnel that was inexperienced with this kind of issue. It wasn't just both principals who were lost in the cross-fire. The old-school belief that competing interests will drive each area to greater productivity is bunk, especially in start ups. What kills a start up is distraction, much more than a lack of initiative.

3) Silos are best learned about in the interview process. Candidly, I would have taken the gig anyway; I needed the paycheck. But if the situation had been different, and this was a lateral rather than a rising role, it would have given me pause. It's on you as a candidate to learn about these as best as you can, especially since it's not generally information that will be readily volunteered.

4) If you can avoid being too far in one camp or another, it's your best move. While I didn't associate too much with my manager's red-button co-worker, I did establish working relationships throughout the company, and avoided distraction with, well, tasks. This helped to broaden my network, leading to contracting roles later, and a much greater sense of job satisfaction and security.

5) Time wounds all heels. Silos tend to fall in time because new management understands just how destructive they can be, and will not tolerate their existence. My start-up moved on to better personnel in time, but not before other issues fundamentally altered the business. I'm glad that I stayed, though -- again, more contacts and contracting opportunities for later.

6) Every dispute isn't 50/50. My manager put me in a difficult position, but in the long run, the judgment was correct. As a company, we were better off when the co-worker moved on, and while I don't know of any particular ill will from the targeted co-worker, they also haven't exactly offered up assistance or an offer at other points between gigs. I don't know if I would go far as to use the word snake, but I also would not ask for a reference.

Oh, and just on the off chance that you find this story too crazy to draw major lessons from? It happened again at the start-up after this one, where my manager tell me not to talk to an entire department, because they were such a problem. In the long run, this was the correct assessment, and in the longer run, it should have been my cue to seek new employment immediately. My manager did, and has been happier ever since.

Because that's the biggest problem with Silo Town. No one's really happy to live there... and life's too short to work where no one's really happy.

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To make me really happy, please like or share this column, connect with me on LinkedIn, email me at davidlmountain at gmail dot com, or hit the RFP boxes at top right. We offer copywriting, direction and strategy, along with design, illustration, photography, coding and hosting. The RFPs are always free. Hope to hear from you soon.

4 New Developments That Could Change The Way We Live & Work

Go Hugo

Some developments hit my feed this week that struck me as having the potential to, not to put too fine a point on it, utterly change the way we live. Not bad for mid-August. Let's get into it.

1) Researchers from both the US and UK have created a new way to depict human skin that makes facial expressions more lifelike. In the short run, this means more realistic computer generated animation... and in the long run, we've just seen a strong step toward escaping the Uncanny Valley, the psychological phenomenon that has kept humans from feeling comfortable around increasingly realistic human simulation.

From a graphic and design standpoint, this is a very big deal indeed, and accelerates all kinds of fields beyond animation. It also creates the possibility of all kinds of unintended consequences, such as, well, an alternative to model photography in any number of usages, enhanced avatar service in smartphones and video games, and a more high-touch level to automated service at ticket kiosks and in stores. Scaling the Uncanny Valley is no small feat, and has been the dream of design pros for decades. Someday soon, you will not be able to tell the difference between a real person and a representation. Clunky polygon images will be one more way for future generations to look back in nostalgia at a bygone era.

2) A Canadian company called Nymi announced a successful credit card payment through biometric authentication... which, in this case, meant the use of wearable technology (a wristband) to use a person's heartbeat to replace the signature, or PIN number. (It turns out to be, like a fingerprint, unique to the individual.)

On the face of it, this seems like an approach fraught with issues. Some will flinch at an apparent lapse in privacy. Others will have health concerns based around the use of near field electronics. But unlike other authenticators that seem dependent on technology that's relatively niche, with little in the way of benefit (I'm looking at you, Apple Pay), this seems like it has more bang for the buck. Faster and more secure transactions, and getting us further away from what comedian Patton Oswalt has rightly dubbed "the magic of squiggly letters"... well, this seems fairly inevitable, assuming you believe in a cashless economy.

3) Microsoft announced a facial recognition breakthrough for Windows 10 that, combined with the Internet of Things and smarthome technology, will allow for doors to unlock though a simple scan.

Again, the initial application seems underwhelming, but with some thought, it grows in importance. Getting groceries in the house just got a lot easier, and since it's presumed that multiple faces can be given clearance, so did the whole insecure business of hide-a-keys and clearance codes to disable alarms. V2 of this technology could easily move into diagnostics for independent senior living, and maybe lead to advanced warning of stroke or a slip and fall. Finally, we also make the whole business of changing the locks in the event of a housing change a lot easier, and the technology would also make its way into businesses, where personnel would be able to open a store without requiring another set of keys or passcodes. Once the technology is in place, it will move from novel to accepted with the same hyperspeed that we now use on things like mapping technology, electronic transfers and automotive diagnostics, and so on.

4) Finally, a good friend of mine, Joe Recchia, has taken up with a great new start-up idea, CImagine. This company enables augmented commerce, in that you can easily see what a purchase might look like in your own home, rather than just rely on web site photography. Check it out.

The first and easiest application here is for furniture and household purchases that always seemed to have a dicey approach in e-commerce -- how were you supposed to choose colors to match your home before this? -- but I think it can easily go into a host of other plays. Apparel is a pretty simple plug and play, along with jewelry, fine art, and maybe even more esoteric plays like personals, electronics and collectibles. CImagine's partner companies could easily see lower return issues to go with higher sales. Like everything else in this week's list, the potential for ubiquitous use is high.

The challenge for marketing and advertising personnel isn't just to think about how to use these advancements with your own brand, but how they may impact how consumers interact with your product. Virtual assistance that's out of the uncanny valley might make you re-think your Web site customer service. Biometric authentication might point to new ways to speed customers through checkout in brick and mortar, especially if your brand is leading edge. Facial recognition and augmented e-commerce could spread like wildfire.

Oh, and there's also this. If your customers want to use these tools, and you aren't able to match a competitor's speed in implementation? Not exactly a great moment -- either for your brand, or your career. Speed isn't just for tech.

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Please like or share this column, connect with me on LinkedIn, email me at davidlmountain at gmail dot com, or hit the RFP boxes at the top right. We offer copywriting, direction and strategy, along with design, illustration, photography, coding and hosting. The RFPs are always free. Hope to hear from you soon.